Contemplating. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.
I am trying to discern what it is that is important to me. Some are easy: my family, both in my home and siblings; my work, I enjoy it; my friends. When I am at peace, I know that I am totally blessed.
The other stuff is a bit meatier. What is it that I really want in a friendship/dating/relationship? A few months ago, that was very easy answer, but now it is getting harder for me and I am struggling a bit to figure it out. I enjoy dating, I do. I have been asked out a bit lately, and have been saying no, to which surprises me as well, because isn't that what I want? Isn't dating a means to finding someone I am compatible with? Is it because I think I know what/ who I want and it isn't happening? Do I really need to be the old Patrick and see things to its end before I can move forward again? Who knows, I sure don't. I really wish I had the answers to my questions.
My good sounding boards, the friends I hold closest, are a bit harder to talk to lately. One has moved, and the other travels weekly on business trips that keep him away from home. These are the people who see through my b.s. and give me a very healthy dose of reality, and tell me what they think, based on our history together. These are the people I love whole heartedly and have been sounding boards for them, too.
These are the things I really need to be figuring out on my own. I have always been confident, know what I want, and usually was pretty good at getting what I need. I need to make my own decisions, for the goal of being happy, and for finding what has become quite elusive to me-love.