Love...

Love... what is it? Why do we want it? To what ends do some of us go to to find it? Why is it that sometimes it is right in front of our faces, and we don't see it?
I thought my first boyfriend was it. He was cute, successful at what he did, and happy. People loved him for his humor more than anything else. We loved each other for about a year and a half or so. When we broke up, we didn't talk much. I ended up moving to Chicago. We lost track of each other, especially when my younger brother, who was a friend of his as well, moved. When I heard of his death from an accidental overdose, I was shocked. How could someone who was so full of life, of fun, ever leave the earth is such a manner? The pain was excruciating, and he tried to make it go away. I wish I had kept in touch with him- he always made me laugh, always told me how good of a person I was.
Soon after I moved to Chicago, I fell in love with my first Chicago man. Very talented. A good person. We shared three homes together in as many years. I have kept in touch with him, and he is now a confidant, someone who I can tell anything to, and he'll give me the right answer, even if I don't want to hear it.
Then came the man who helped me build my career, build a dream, have a family with. In many ways, during this time is when I grew the most. Though he may not have agreed with all my choices, he let me do them- meditation, esoteric healing work. When we broke up, we went to hell and back, then back to hell and back. Now we are in the "and back" stage, and I hope with all my heart it stays that way. We have a child together. He will always be present in my life for that reason alone, but being able to communicate without the screaming, tears, and old anger is a good thing. It won't be overnight, but it is on the mend.
I can't really say about the last relationship. In many ways I am still processing it. I'm not sure if anything, even a friendship, could be salvaged from that, as so many things were said to me that were just wrong and spoken out of anger/fear/frustration.
So back to my first few sentences... what is it? If we hurt so much when it leaves or ends, why do we continue to look for it?
My answer? Because it feels so good to have love in your life. That's why we do what we do, search for it all over the place, and relish it when we have it. Love. One of my favorite four letter words!