Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Love... what is it? Why do we want it? To what ends do some of us go to to find it? Why is it that sometimes it is right in front of our faces, and we don't see it?
I thought my first boyfriend was it. He was cute, successful at what he did, and happy. People loved him for his humor more than anything else. We loved each other for about a year and a half or so. When we broke up, we didn't talk much. I ended up moving to Chicago. We lost track of each other, especially when my younger brother, who was a friend of his as well, moved. When I heard of his death from an accidental overdose, I was shocked. How could someone who was so full of life, of fun, ever leave the earth is such a manner? The pain was excruciating, and he tried to make it go away. I wish I had kept in touch with him- he always made me laugh, always told me how good of a person I was.
Soon after I moved to Chicago, I fell in love with my first Chicago man. Very talented. A good person. We shared three homes together in as many years. I have kept in touch with him, and he is now a confidant, someone who I can tell anything to, and he'll give me the right answer, even if I don't want to hear it.
Then came the man who helped me build my career, build a dream, have a family with. In many ways, during this time is when I grew the most. Though he may not have agreed with all my choices, he let me do them- meditation, esoteric healing work. When we broke up, we went to hell and back, then back to hell and back. Now we are in the "and back" stage, and I hope with all my heart it stays that way. We have a child together. He will always be present in my life for that reason alone, but being able to communicate without the screaming, tears, and old anger is a good thing. It won't be overnight, but it is on the mend.
I can't really say about the last relationship. In many ways I am still processing it. I'm not sure if anything, even a friendship, could be salvaged from that, as so many things were said to me that were just wrong and spoken out of anger/fear/frustration.
So back to my first few sentences... what is it? If we hurt so much when it leaves or ends, why do we continue to look for it?
My answer? Because it feels so good to have love in your life. That's why we do what we do, search for it all over the place, and relish it when we have it. Love. One of my favorite four letter words!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I do a lot of thinking while I clean, especially when I vacuum for some weird reason.
I realized, as I was vacuuming up a compilation of cat and dog hair, how lucky I am. I feel lucky, because I want what I have.
That is a great place to be!

Monday, September 20, 2010

It's Monday. Either the happiest day of the week for me, or the saddest. It all depends on if my beautiful daughter is coming to stay with me for the week, or going to her other papa's house for the week.
And the Mondays she goes to her other papas, I tend to get emotional. It doesn't help I have a sinus infection with allergies. Double whammy. I hear things I normally wouldn't pay attention to. Like tonight while shopping for the ingredients for my chicken soup, or as one of my ex's says, "Pilgrim Soup", I kept on hearing kids refer to their dads as Papa. That is what Olivia calls me. Papa. I kept on looking up and around, half expecting her to come running up to me and ask if I could pick her up!
Heaven FORBID I even start thinking about relationships, who I like, who I could love, who I have loved, why they didn't work, could they have worked? Do I even need a "relationship" now? I love my life, but Mother Nature thinks I should have a partner, and she says "two by two, that's what you have to do". Will someone bitch slap her! A very good friend of mine says love fiercely.
I have. I am a huge advocate of that. But to whom do you give yourself to? Who do you trust with your being? Especially now for me, when I have to put so much effort into simply dating? Sometimes I absolutely just want to say no to Mother Nature, and just date and have fun. That has worked o.k. for me. Met some really good people. But when does it start turning from thoughts of dating to thoughts of "something more"?
I have promised my good friend I will love fiercely again one day. That I will. I promise!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The earth yawned. And in it's first inhale, it took the heat with it, and exhaled cool air. Yes, it is a reminder that summer is going to be a memory soon. We will be digging out our fall sweaters, pants, boots- making soups, heavier foods to keep us warm.
Some of us will be decorating our homes for Halloweeen and Thanksgiving this fall. Others will be decorating their apartments. We will all be preparing for the colder months ahead.
I will be enjoying these crisper mornings, taking walks with my daughter, kicking up leaves, talking about when the first snow will fall and how many snow people we'll make. One morning soon we'll wake up, walk outside, and see our breath.
But until the earth takes its' yearly slumber, I'll be enjoying the days leading up to winter.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bring your daughter to work day

Today was an unofficial "bring your daughter to work day", designated by ME!
It was so much fun! My little O helped me mix colors, picked some out for herself when she turns 16 (I want violet red violet under her, don't cover up the blond pieces {she has blonde pieces? Really?!}, and bright pink bangs!), she wanted to sweep, was the greeter, and good lunch eater!
I think the best part of the day was talking about how I was going to cut her bangs. I asked wasn't she going to grow them out long? She responded that this was the plan all along- grow them out so far and then cut them off! I have to say, after much deliberation, we did it! I cut them while the rest of her hair was braided in two long braids, and she looks sooo cute! We had a blast, and she couldn't stop looking at them (or herself!) in the mirror!
We both enjoyed ourselves, and it was officially on of my best "unofficial bring your daughter to work day" ever!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Yesterday started out as kinda a crazy day!
As I was getting ready, I got a phone call from a business owner on our street saying we had a broken window. I made a phone call to my business partner, who I couldn't reach, then called one of our receptionists, who said she could do it, and in the meantime got a call back from business partner, which made me call our fab receptionista back to tell her not to come, which ended up making me late for work! Traffic of coarse was horrendous (I mean why wouldn't it be? I was late! Traffic always waits for you when you need to be some place in a hurry!), and I knew my darling O had a pediatrician appointment. ARGH!!!
So, on the way to work got a call saying we needed coffee (I start to feel the blood boil) and probably a Costco run (didn't I, just last week, ask for a list?), and on top of all that, I said a friend could borrow my car because I had no place to go in the morning!
It was just one of those mornings you want to rewind and start over again!
But, like usual, when things aren't going according to plan, you be patient and wait it out.
We got home. I made dinner. I feel everything returning to normal. Well, my normal at least! Then the doorbell rings- it is one of O's little friends asking if she could play. Of coarse! I sit on my front steps- I forgot how much I like just sitting on those steps- and watch the play. Then more kids! Now they are playing "telephone". Then O tells everyone about the yogurt coolisions I bought her- so, I have to get everyone a yogurt coolision! Satisfied, they play more. Then I talk to neighbors. We have to be in by 8, as the city is spraying for mosquitos. Talk on neighbors porch... then we have to go in.
We watch a cartoon, then off to bed. O can't sleep (too much fun, probably!), so she comes into my room. She talks about her day, as she yawns, and falls asleep on my chest. And the dog fell asleep on my legs. It turned out to be a great day after all!